“Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail,
Bouncing over a white cloud,
Killing the blues.”
John Prine
“Killing The Blues”
My grandfather would start telling a joke, get about halfway through, and then dissolve into laughter, unable to continue. This suggests that a susceptible person might find it funny to simply think about a joke. I mention this because I travel alone. Sure, you can see the punch line coming. So what? That’s why my grandfather couldn’t finish telling a joke! I frequently find myself smiling when thinking about something funny while pedaling down the highway. Perhaps this tendency runs in the family. I recommend giving it a try. Think about something funny at least once each day!
I practically laugh my way across America. I always get a kick out of rest stops, for example. The words say it all REST and STOP. What’s not to like? Kids and dogs come shooting out of cars like they just got out of prison. The funny part is when the adults try to wrangle them back into the car. I think the dogs are the best at avoiding getting back in the car. They pretend they can’t hear the owner. They get busy exploring. They avoid eye contact. What a show!
Farm dogs seem like happy creatures. There they are relaxing in the shade of a tree. Here I come on my bicycle. They perk up immediately! Somebody to chase! The thing that really amuses me is that they all do exactly the same thing. They stand up, stretch, and then they look back at the door of the house to see if anybody is watching. They know they aren’t supposed to go chasing down the highway, but they are willing to take a chance if no one is watching!
One time in Illinois, I was chased by a couple of happy, go lucky farm dogs. I went into a full sprint to see if I could pull ahead. I was really moving. I kept looking back and there they were. They weren’t barking. They were just keeping a nice steady pace. They were really breathing hard. I kept looking back ever so often. They were slowly falling behind but they were still hanging on. They kept on running behind me for at least five miles. Apparently, they simply loved to run!
It is very important, in my opinion, to adapt to your surroundings on your journey across America. You need to adopt local customs and learn the ropes. In order to accomplish this, it is important to focus on the things we all have in common. That way you will be able to blend in wherever you go, make friends, and have happy memories.
Let’s say, for example, that you have just arrived in Missouri. Missouri is a tough state. There is a reason why the state’s slogan is “The Show Me State.” Your average Missourian isn’t going to believe anything a Texan has to say. What to do? One of the endearing things about human beings is that they are always very proud of their state no matter how bad things are. The infrastructure may be crumbling, the weather terrible, and poverty levels high. None of this matters because these adverse conditions make people even prouder. “We are survivors! You have got to be tough to make it here! A Texan doesn’t stand a chance in a place like this…”
Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret that will smooth your path wherever you go. People everywhere think their flies are more bad ass than anywhere else. All you have to do is say something like this, “The flies in Texas are typical Texans. They are big, strong, and incredibly smart, but I have never seen ANYTHING like the flies in Missouri!” Since Missouri is the “Show Me State,” it is a good idea to throw in some supporting detail so they won’t think you are just joshing them. “You see these socks I am wearing. These are Darn Tough, extra thick, Merino wool socks that I bought at REI. They cost $20 per pair! Presumably, they are fly proof! These Missouri flies can draw blood right through these socks!” (This happens to be true.) At this point you can see their defenses just melt away. You have just made a friend, possibly a life-long friend! Yes, it is really true! People everywhere think their flies are worse than anywhere else!
I believe there are two basic kinds of humor. First, there is professional humor. This type of humor is often unbelievably funny, but the next day you can’t remember a single joke. Then there is the everyday sort of humor. The kind that keeps the wheels spinning. This type of humor depends on REPETITION for its full effect.
I highly recommend the documentary, “Bicycle Dreams.” This film concerns the incredibly grueling bicycle race called Race Across America or RAM for short. The record for this 3,000 mile race is about 9 days. Think about it. That’s more than 300 miles per day! After I watched this film, my first reaction was, “I’ll never complain about anything ever again!”
The main character in this film greets his fellow racers every single morning with a cheerful, “Welcome to another day in paradise!” Well, as things start falling apart, this constant repetition becomes funnier and funnier. Now, imagine for a moment that the race finally arrives in a small town which is actually named Paradise. That would be the perfect time to say, “Welcome to another day in Paradise!” Now that’s what I call humor!
In my home town of Austin, I have some cycling buddies that I occasionally ride with. Every time we go for a ride, I am well known for saying, “The cloud formations alone are worth the price of admission!” Finally, a day arrives when the entire sky is like a giant, blue, crystal ball. Not even a whiff of a cloud anywhere. One of my friends is sure to say, “Hey, Tom, the cloud formations alone are worth the price of admission!” Perfect humor for a perfect day!
I met a jolly, retired truck driver from Canada on my bicycle trip. He told me the following joke. Normally, I have a hard time remembering jokes, so I translated the joke into a cycling context in order to remember it:
A cyclist is out riding and is listening to some good old Rock ‘N Roll. He’s got Chuck Berry turned up real loud in his ear buds. An ambulance is coming up from behind with sirens wailing. The cyclist can’t hear a thing over the music and fails to move over. The ambulance driver swerves into the adjacent lane to pass. The back door of the ambulance is not properly secured and swings open. A plastic box with a red cross on its side tumbles out of the ambulance onto the shoulder of the road. The ambulance continues on its way. The cyclist stops to pickup the box. Thinking it might be important, he decides to open the box. It contains a human toe. Who would you call in a situation like this?
Long pause.
Answer: A tow truck.
I spent a lot of time during my formative years searching for homonyms. Words that sound the same but are spelled differently. Words like toe and tow. Male and mail. There are way more of them than you could ever imagine.
We were required to keep a running list of them in the front of our binder at school. I was ridiculously competitive. Never once did I ask the teacher the purpose of the exercise. I just wanted to have the most homonyms of anyone in my class! I hate to admit it, but to this day I still get a secret thrill whenever I run across a new (knew?) homonym.
I still remember my surprise (and delight) at learning that the English language contains exactly one homonym, raise and raze, that is also an antonym (words with opposite meanings). The world was a very strange place indeed! My surprise was replaced with utter shock (and horror), however, when I learned that an auto-antonym, also called a contronym, is a word with multiple meanings (senses) of which one is the reverse of the other. For example, “cleave” can mean “to cut apart” or “to bind together.” I began to wonder how English speakers managed to communicate at all!
On one trip, I was expounding about homonyms to some unfortunate fellow wayfarer (undoubtedly to their surprise and horror). After explaining how delighted I was to learn that raise and raze were both homonyms and antonyms, imagine my surprise when my companion, without a moment’s hesitation replied, “Yes, it takes a village to “raise” a child, but it takes a Viking to “raze” a village!” My delight was replaced with pure bliss!